Even at its worst, it's all someone else's. Someone else is your husband. Someone else is living a life (even if only the shadow of one) that I wish I could live even for a moment. I just keep trying to squash it by telling myself that things are the way they are, that there's nothing to be done. Again, I know for the most part that there's rarely anything consequential: errands, dinners with Mom, Lafeen's, cars to repair. But made of these projects and problems are lists of future to-dos of my own. Lastly, even when I finally do become a practical reality to you and me, I have years and years of everyone easing away from the shock of your new context. Chinese restaurant owners that I'll always avoid, who will be confounded by your sudden replacement. You were always smiling!